Coming from a Christian family and growing up with two siblings that are older than me, I was always being fed my opinions and interests. Everyone paved the way for me and I only had to walk across it. But already in my early years I noticed that something was not right with me. I felt... different. Back then I didn't know what those feelings were or why every frienship I had always broke. I was being told that there are no real friends, that you only fight for yourself and your family, that people in school are nothing more than tools that you use to pass the grade.
After a big conflict in my old school and a fight with my parents I was brought to a Psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with Asperger Autism Disorder and Depressive Episodes. Great, so I am a freak? Yes and no, I could finally explain to myself why I was acting the way I was, why I look at the world differently than everyone else. But there was still something. At the time I spent a lot of my time online on forums and groupchats, learning about Programming and Cyber Security. I was introduced to very bad corners of the internet very early on and it made me a right wing anarchist with particular hate for LGBTQ and Minorities. Surprising
My parents were unable to control my use of the internet as I was 5 steps ahead of them at all times. I can't blame them, no one could've expected a kid my age to become involved with such things and to have such, at the time, seemingly genius evasion techniques. This resulted in very young and impressionable me getting scared for life. When I first had thoughts of being Trans, I brushed them off as perverted fantasies. My obsession with them grew steadily and I started being attracted to boys in school. Why me? Why must I of all people be this way? Why can't I be normal? What do I do now?
I kept running in circles and trying to find excuses or solutions but at some point I ran out of them and had to face the truth. I was what I hated most. Or at least thought I hated. With seemingly little options I decided to try and kill myself with no effect. My parents ignored all warning signs, the cutting, the depression, missing hand sanitizer. I was too scared to jump off a building, I thought if I got used to the pain of cutting myself I'd someday be able to cut my wrists. I drank hand sanitizer in the hopes of me dying but, again, I was too scared to go all the way. So I was left with permanent scars, a fucked up brain and lots of regret.
Some magic day, my mother put me into a psych ward for two weeks, it was supposed to be a diagnostic only stay, which then turned into a 3 month therapeutic stay. Looking back, I am thankful for going there, it made me realize the supposed "majority" of people that hated LGBTQ was really 4Chan and Kiwifarms. It gave me the security to come out to my mother and my girlfriend which I met in the psych ward. My mother was sceptical but did not try to sabotage me and is being neutral.
I am currently struggling to tell my therapist and to seek proper help, so I still am and maybe will forever stay in the closet to the public. I wish it was easier for me to come out but my brain does not let me. I still periodically deny my feelings, which leads to me being depressed for weeks. I am too scared to burn down my current identity to become who I want to be. I hate my "friends" that think I am a hardcore right wing conservative. But I can't end those friendships, it is like I am too scared to be alone.
If you are in a situation like mine, please do not keep waiting. THe longer you deny your feelings and yourself, the more it will hurt when you eventually do come out. And not coming out just means being unhappy for the rest of your life.
The world loves you.